I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Come on in and take your pants off
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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