I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
