omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
