Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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