I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
