Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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