My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
