I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
