wrigley field is MILF paradise
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Randomize
