I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
