The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
