I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
