I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
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