mondays should just be called national damage control day
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
