i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
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