There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I'm like, not good at living.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Randomize
