sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
