There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
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