TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
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