Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
be right there i have to get my cape
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize