Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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