Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
