How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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