So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
One more sleep until playoffs, Canucks are back this year, you bet your ass I'm going to uphold the tradition of being the 90 lb girl that fights every hairy ass Bruins fan at BWW.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
