did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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