rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
