Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize