she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Randomize
