My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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