You work out of a Hotel?
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
