i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
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