You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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