Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Randomize
