The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Randomize
