using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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