I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
