How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
