i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
