I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Randomize
