i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Randomize
