So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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