True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Randomize
