just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
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