There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
Randomize
