I want to have your abortion
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
