Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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