Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
