super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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