What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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