So you maybe wanna hang out again? I could use the $5
Whatever I can do to help stimulate the economy
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
