i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
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