My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
