I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
