My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
