I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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