My sheets look like a crime scene.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize