i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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