The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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