I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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