Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize
