I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
