Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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