it was like his penis was on wheels.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
