shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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