I only want to know people that are dynamic intelligent and totally insane
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
