Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
