wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
I can tuck mytits in my pants
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
there is glitter all over my balls
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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