You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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