got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
